Home Therapeutic relationship “I can’t forget my first love”

“I can’t forget my first love”


Q: I can’t forget my first love. It’s been almost 20 years now but I continue to look for it in every woman I meet and date. So far everyone has been a disappointment for me because no one seems to match how I was feeling at the time. Does that mean I’ll stay single forever?

Reply : First loves are special, even more so when they don’t last. The bad news is that you will never be able to feel what you felt the first time around. This emotion was unique to this person, to you at the time and to the context in which you were surrounded. The good news is, it won’t stop you from feeling something bigger, but different. However, this will only happen if you stop holding on to your loss and disappointment.

If you’ve experienced this for so many years, it’s probably something you encountered growing up, when your emotional responsiveness and regulation was still being built. These feelings are unrelated to the people you have met so far. They relate to adverse childhood experiences that made you feel this way.

Thinking that there is no one there for you or that you will never be in love again are very common thoughts for people who are stuck. These feelings are stuck in you because they weren’t discussed with emotionally stable or available adults at the time.

You will need to speak to a professional to free yourself from such a deep loss and disappointment. We often think we can do it on our own, but under these circumstances a professional can help you restore trust in relationships.

A good therapeutic relationship will provide you with a safe space to explore emotions and deal with fears of abandonment and rejection. It is the therapeutic relationship itself that will be central to early life relationship healing. Remember to look for a professional you connect with.

The author is an intimacy and relationship coach, founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organization promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a question? Send it to [email protected])

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Posted on: Friday October 15th, 2021 08:59 IST

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